Practical Phrases

Sometimes, finding the right words helps.

Introduction

When I was younger, I did not have a word for "person I know of but is not a friend, nor even an acquaintance".

Then, sometimes, a person I knew of but was not a friend nor even an acquaintance asked to get into something I organised, and I could not say no. I needed a reason to say no. The actual reason was, "I don't know you enough to want you in, so no", but I did not know how to express that.

As a result, I would say "yes" and feel bad about it.

After I learned about this social category and it became salient, I could start rejecting people in it. It was not immediate or perfect; I needed to practice, but it was now possible.

Since then, I have practised it a lot. Now, it's trivial.

A lot of things are like this. I call them "Practical Phrases". Learning them gives new affordances, and after practising them, they become second nature.

Insights

There are a few key insights behind the concept of Practical Phrases.

First, how we feel is not obvious. In the situation above, my feelings about social dynamics were deeper than my understanding.

This is normal. We do not expect to have immediate knowledge of the external world and to be born with a deep understanding of the laws of physics. Similarly, we should not expect to have immediate knowledge of our internal worlds and to be born with a deep understanding of the laws of psychology and psychiatry.

The straightforward consequence is that how we feel is not obvious. We must learn to distinguish and recognise our feelings, as we must learn anything.

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Second, putting words on feelings is not obvious.

Very often, we have a hunch, a vague feeling, a "je ne sais quoi", and we don't know how to express it. This puts us in embarrassing situations. We want to say "yes" or "no" to some things but do not know how to justify it. This regularly happens when the justification is one of those feelings we can't express.

This is a fact of life in a society. We expect some legibility and justification from each other. Reflection is quite important to help with this.

On the other hand, in a trusted relationship, one of the most important things is the ability to say, "I don't know how to express it, but it feels important." in one way or another.

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The third and last key insight is that Practical Phrases require practice.

When learning a sentence in a new language, rote learning is not enough. We need to understand the context in which it is used, and we need to work on variations, tone, pronunciation, and follow-ups.

We need to practice.

This is true of most knowledge, but even more so of social knowledge. Practical Phrases are one of the central examples of social knowledge.

Simple Phrases

Some Practical Phrases are simple. It doesn't mean they are innate; one must practice them. It just means they are relatively short, and we all have encountered them.

As such, practising them is easier: there are already many examples of how the phrase is supposed to work.

"No."

"No." is such a phrase.

"No." is a clear example of a Practical Phrase that needs practice.

We all have seen the following situation unfold at least once (possibly even with ourselves as Alice).

Alice wants to learn how to establish boundaries. She has decided to start saying "No."

Bob sees Alice and asks her for a favour.

Alice says, "No.", wooo!

Bob asks, "Why? It's only 30 minutes of your time."

Alice thinks about why but doesn't find any concrete reason. And you can't really say "No" to a "Why?".

So she goes, "Hmmm. I guess you're right, it's only 30 minutes."

And everyone face-palms.

If Alice thought that saying "No." was just a matter of saying the word "No." and left it there, she might get discouraged, give up and go back to being a self-aware doormat.

However, she may instead realise that it will take more effort. Out of anger and frustration, she might repeat the scenario during her shower and find better recourses to Bob's "Why?".

As a result, she'll be better equipped next time and the next. At some point, she will have covered most conversations starting with a "No." and internalised some of its true nature.

The true nature of "No." was never about some specific sounds or words. It was about establishing boundaries. Follow-ups become more manageable once you start thinking of the "No" as a boundary. You just need to understand the extent of the boundary and protect it. "Sure, it might be only 30 minutes, but I said no." "Sure, it might be only 30 minutes, but even 30 minutes out of my free time is too much for me lately." or "Sure, if I had a guarantee that it was 30 minutes, I would. But I do not, and I do not want to risk it.".

"I don't know."

I teach and have taught many people in informal settings.

One of my biggest obstacles is that people don't know the "I don't know" phrase. All three key insights are relevant to this.

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First, realising that you do not know is hard.

School rewards students for bullshitting. It gives them partial points or something. On finals, if they have like 50/100 or something, they pass.

With this, one can earn partial points, get a 50/100, and move on to the next grade. One can do so by internalising very little of the curriculum, just through vague pattern matching.

This is so shit. This trains people to think this farce has to do with actual knowledge.

Reflecting on what you do not know is already difficult enough, but there is this layer of trickery on top.

There are many types of "I don't know.", from "I think I could do it, but I don't understand why it works" and "I have two plausible explanations in mind, but I am not sure which one is correct. Learning [X] would let me disambiguate by myself." to "I have no clue whatsoever. I will need more than just a simple explanation here. I am just out of my own depth and should go back to the basics.".

Distinguishing between these situations is hard and takes reflection.

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Second, expressing that you do not know is hard.

Above, I have listed three sub-types of "I do not know". If I am doing a good job at writing, it might seem too natural, but coming up with a nice phrase for each type is an exercise.

I already knew the feelings. I am really good at not knowing and being aware of it. But it still took me some effort to find the actual words.

I do not have much advice for "how to come up with words". I am a fledgling writer. My main method for things I am bad at is "Try a lot". This is also what I have done to become better at oral conversations.

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Third and last, practising.

Practicing "I do not know." is hard. Many blame others for saying, "I do not know," and will treat them as stupid. Saying "I do not know." in ways that do not sound stupid takes practice.

Good people will instead reward others with information that will help them learn faster. Internalising this and all the ways it is true requires going through it many times: practice.

Other Practical Phrases

There are many other Practical Phrases.

"Yes." and "Thanks." instead of denying compliments, gifts and opportunities.

There are more complex ones, like "I have a policy of agreeing to time commitments only after having had a day to think about it" or "I do not promise anything, but I will think more about it."

It would be helpful to have some index of them, with examples of situations and some follow-up ideas.

Conclusion

Cheers, and have a nice day.